Dispatches from the honeymoon

5/13-5/15, somewhere over the Pacific Ocean

Going into this honeymoon, I told everyone that getting there would be the hardest part. And that is being borne out.

Kacey and I boarded this jumbo jet in L.A. and that seems like days ago. Oh, I suppose it was … I don’t know what time it is; my watch says 8:07, my phone says 7:08, my Kindle — if I could read it in this dim cabin — surely says something else.

I don’t even know what day it is.

People around me have been sleeping, including Kacey. I don’t know how they do it. I think I slipped directly into REM a couple of times but there’s no way I’ll get in any real, extended sleep. For one, the pilot warned soon after we reached cruising altitude that we’d likely encounter plenty of turbulence, and we have. I feel like a vodka martini. The “fasten seatbelts” signs have been on for at least the length of two or three Yankees-Red Sox games, and there are so many of them that — along with the TV screens on the rear of each seat — they’re generating a dim yellowish orange glow throughout the whole cabin.

I didn’t download enough relaxing music onto my phone, so now I’m on my third or fourth spin through Thelonius Monk’s “At Town Hall.” Which isn’t all that relaxing, actually. What a great name, Thelonius Monk. Which inspires a movie waiting to be made about a bad-guy-turned-monastic who is summoned by the FBI to provide critical inside help on a case, but then is lured back into his previous criminal life in the process. Call it “Felonious Monk.”

Dinner surpassed my expectations for an international coach flight. I had steak, Kacey took a few bites of rigatoni. Couscous salad with chickpeas was a nice touch. Really impressed that they gave out free wine, so I had a cup (albeit comparable to a Dixie bathroom cup) of chardonnay. Kacey mysteriously stuck with Coke. Breakfast will be coming at some point; I’ll need the coffee.

Speaking of bathrooms, on the first leg of the trip, a quick flight to Chicago, my trip to the bathroom inspired a question: If a passenger were on the toilet — and having some difficulty, let’s say — as the plane began its descent and everyone was ordered to buckle in, would the passenger be forced to leave the bathroom? And what if he wouldn’t — or couldn’t? Is this covered by FAA regulations?

Full disclosure: This did not happen to me.

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